After rave reviews from my sister, I decided to attend the online conference “The Red Tent.” Tonight I learned that we all start with a point of view, to which we add our values and standards, things that just are automatic and seem true to us. The sum of these things yields our conclusions or beliefs about what we are looking at. To our conclusions, we add our goals and dreams, then implement actions and attitudes, which yields the sum of our results and sense of satisfaction. Why is this so ground-breaking, earth-shattering and I feel the earth move under my feeting?
Because when we don’t get the results we want, we usually back up one step and try adjusting our actions and attitudes. We try many different things because we are convinced if we just change our actions and/or attitudes, it will change our results. But no. Eventually, we may decide that it’s our goals and dreams that are really the problem, so we try to change them, or deny them or just pretend like we don’t really want them anyway.
When that doesn’t work, we try changing our conclusions. You know, looking at the bright side of the situation even if it isn’t feeling very bright to us; trying to find the silver lining in the cloud of our conclusions. After that doesn’t work to give us the results and sense of satisfaction we want, we back up one more step and try to adjust our values and standards; try to fit our square peg self into some round hole; decide that maybe we are just wrong about the things that seem true to us.
Here’s the kicker; the plum that little tommy tucker or whoever the hell it was pulled out of the pie; the piece de resistance; the answer. The problem is the point of view in the first place.
These talks are being given by the author of the book The Queen’s Code, Allison Armstrong, and are primarily focused on relationships between men and women.
Allison asked us to complete this sentence: Men are ______. Her experience with thousands of women over the years is that there are three top answers given across cultures, across ages, across all demographics. The top three answers are … wait, let me clarify that the point of this exercise is to help women and men find more juicy, more satisfying relations and understanding some things about men and women are essential for that to be able to happen.
I’m at my most vulnerable here when I tell you that being married, even to a wonderful man, is hella hard work. And because we both believe in the gift of marriage and the incredibly refining crucible that it is, we continue to try to adjust our understanding of each other. It’s a big job, and when you add in the normal stresses of life and perhaps a few abnormal stresses as well, the process can be pretty daunting.
I really don’t think I can do justice to Alison’s message here. I will link to her website, and I would be glad to answer any specific questions, but I don’t know how I can express here the impact of this information on my understanding of why Greg and I function like we do, and what this understanding might mean for a brighter future together. This learning is like a sacred vessel to me and I want to treat it as such.
This link is to the videos on Alison’s page: videos.php Before I heard Alison speak in person and experienced her beautiful feminine warmth and wisdom, I had tried reading some of her book but had a little trouble getting into it. Tonight is day 3 of her talks in the Red Tent Revival online and I WILL be there. I cannot think of anything I have ever learned in my entire life about men and women that has impacted me the way this has.