I didn’t go to court today

I’ve made it a point to be there every time my son has a required court appearance. Yesterday I found out that he had an appearance this morning. I already had plans. For better or worse, I decided not to change my plans.

My plans involved someone else and they were expecting me.

I think I may have been practicing magical thinking, imagining that my presence in the courtroom could make a difference. Sure it is no doubt nice for a defendant to know he’s got supporters in the seats. But maybe there comes a time when one stops centering one’s life around someone else’s addiction.

I still love my son dearly. I still believe he can turn this around, even though it will be a very tough path. I’ll still support steps he takes toward healing and recovery. And I still think that sometimes saying no to someone is the best thing I can do.

No doubt there are hundreds or thousands of mothers grieving for their sons, lost to drug addiction, who’d like nothing more than to take away their child’s pain. But this mother has learned that I cannot walk this road for him. It is not possible.

Instead, today I walked my own path and trusted that he will find what he needs through his experiences today.

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